'Life Fear'

Fear is such a debilitating creature. It skews one’s version of reality, and leaves one unable to make rational life decisions. Fear also seems to stunt one’s growth, and make life all around less enjoyable.

I used to think that I was able to ignore that growing creature inside of me, squash it down so that it didn’t affect the decisions about life that I NEEDED to make. Should I go to school right after high school? No. Should I really try to find another job? No. Should I do something out of the ordinary, possibly making my life more eventful? No…. all because of that haunting ‘what if’ that lay right around the corner.

What the hell?! I wish I could say that coming to this realization is going to change my life completely, but I have to be honest. It won’t. I’m not entirely safe, and never have been. I have made completely irrational decisions, and they were some of the best decisions that I have EVER made. Stupidly upsetting, sometimes morally questionable decisions, and I made the choice to do them. And I am willing to believe that I am a better person for making those decisions, no matter how they turned out.

I can’t believe that it has taken like nine years or so to figure out what people have been saying to me for YEARS. A teacher, one that has only known me for what, like three months tops, told me what everyone has. And I realized that he is right. Crazy. Why does it take someone who is not involved in your life for you to realize that, everyone is completely right?! Think of how much time could have been saved if I had just listened to everyone the first go around. Years. I could have shaved years off this learning thing… Then again if I had, I may not be the same person I am right now. And I guess I like me enough the way I am. Even though I have a bad case of ‘life fear’.