meet virginia.

Meet virginia. by train has been stuck in my head alllllll day long. I had today off of work. Which seems like it would be a good thing, but I really would rather have the money I would get from working than having the day off. Unfortunately being a full time student makes it impossible for me to draw unemployment. Not that I’m complaining, or that I like relying on other people to pay my bills, but it would be nice if I was allowed a COUPLE weeks of such stuff, being as I have to pay for school myself. No government help. My parents will give me a couple hundred, which is appreciated, I promise, but it’s not actually enough to cover even one class, let alone full time. So I don’t always get all my bills paid, because I would like to make it through school in a relatively quick manner, and think it is a better thing to spend money on.

I also needed to work on my taxes today. Which I did! I was proud of myself for doing, but now I have to wait for my parents to file first, because we have a cap on how many state taxes can be filed under the turbo tax thingy that my parents have. Which is awesome… I’ve been waiting to file taxes for a couple months, and now my mom has been working on it since 4:30. It’s 8:10 and she still has yet to finish. Which is funny because when I asked her about it, she said she was done with everything; all she had to do was send it in. This must not be the case, because it’s consumed her since she returned home. I need to work on my patience. I just kind of need the money to pay for school this term. And possibly some of the bills that have accumulated that I have yet to pay.

I also need to lose weight. That was what my original ‘lent’ thing was going to be this year, but I decided that it is actually much more beneficial for me to give up facebook, and that maybe in the process I would become more active and eat less. Or something of the thought process. I just have such a hard time motivating myself to do anything. I feel great when I actually start getting myself into it, and really get the ball rolling, but most of the things that I have done for weight loss in the past have all been things that you pay for, classes where you are pretty much forced to take responsibility for yourself, and since I’m paying money, by God I better be benefitting from something that expensive in SOME way.

'Life Fear'

Fear is such a debilitating creature. It skews one’s version of reality, and leaves one unable to make rational life decisions. Fear also seems to stunt one’s growth, and make life all around less enjoyable.

I used to think that I was able to ignore that growing creature inside of me, squash it down so that it didn’t affect the decisions about life that I NEEDED to make. Should I go to school right after high school? No. Should I really try to find another job? No. Should I do something out of the ordinary, possibly making my life more eventful? No…. all because of that haunting ‘what if’ that lay right around the corner.

What the hell?! I wish I could say that coming to this realization is going to change my life completely, but I have to be honest. It won’t. I’m not entirely safe, and never have been. I have made completely irrational decisions, and they were some of the best decisions that I have EVER made. Stupidly upsetting, sometimes morally questionable decisions, and I made the choice to do them. And I am willing to believe that I am a better person for making those decisions, no matter how they turned out.

I can’t believe that it has taken like nine years or so to figure out what people have been saying to me for YEARS. A teacher, one that has only known me for what, like three months tops, told me what everyone has. And I realized that he is right. Crazy. Why does it take someone who is not involved in your life for you to realize that, everyone is completely right?! Think of how much time could have been saved if I had just listened to everyone the first go around. Years. I could have shaved years off this learning thing… Then again if I had, I may not be the same person I am right now. And I guess I like me enough the way I am. Even though I have a bad case of ‘life fear’.