Sunday, May 1, 2011


I sit here... with a carton of strawberries, a cherry lime smirnoff ([NEW!] apparently) while watching the second season of boy meets world. I'm not doing my spanish. I'm not doing speech. I'm not doing any homework for any classes. I just got home from a UFC fight at an old karate friends house. I miss going to karate. I miss the people. but I so don't miss the emotional problems that are entailed.
Than I realized that the place I am right now has the SAME problems. Maybe life is just the same thing in different places. ya know? slightly different problems(now), being as I'm fairly certain I am a little bit in love with an emotional unavailable man. Which is something it pains me to even write down, and I am emotionally incapable of speaking the words outloud. Something was said by another soul, outside of the situation, and he's not talking to me. For as long as he can really go without talking to me. and yes I just said that. HE was(and still is!) after ME. asshole. That's beside the point, my point really being that obviously that person was right. It's unhealthy. and I want to leave. but it hurts to think that I would leave what I have right now. As dysfunctional and unhealthy as it is, it seems like maybe God has put me there for a reason. I've had a couple other people tell me there's a reason for me to be there, and I believe it also, before they were telling me that. I don't have a solid reason for anything. I see a road laid out in front of me, and I can see the different ways it could go, some excellent, others while very morally questionable, are the ones that I am drawn to. those are the ones I want to take and just GO with. see what happens. but I'm sure I would end up upset or sad with what I had to do to get there. or about the tremendous amount of baggage that we each would have if I ended up there.
And I have soooo many other people telling me thier problems, that I don't have time for me to hear what I am thinking! which makes me wonder why I don't just take time for myself. It's like I try to bury myself in everything else going on.
I've started thinking about seeing a shrink. yikes. That hurt to write down. I've thought about it for a few years now, and I don't know if it is a good idea. Also something that I have not admitted outloud. It makes me feel weak. I hate needing help. or asking for help. I've gotten better at it. but I still hate it. Not to mention, while work pays for some of it, they stop paying at some point, so it would eventually start costing me money.
these are just some drunk ramblings. so you could disregard this totally if you so choose.

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