Smirnoff

I sit here... with a carton of strawberries, a cherry lime smirnoff ([NEW!] apparently) while watching the second season of boy meets world. I'm not doing my spanish. I'm not doing speech. I'm not doing any homework for any classes. I just got home from a UFC fight at an old karate friends house. I miss going to karate. I miss the people. but I so don't miss the emotional problems that are entailed.

Than I realized that the place I am right now has the SAME problems. Maybe life is just the same thing in different places. ya know? slightly different problems(now), being as I'm fairly certain I am a little bit in love with an emotional unavailable man. Which is something it pains me to even write down, and I am emotionally incapable of speaking the words outloud. Something was said by another soul, outside of the situation, and he's not talking to me. For as long as he can really go without talking to me. and yes I just said that. HE was(and still is!) after ME. asshole. That's beside the point, my point really being that obviously that person was right. It's unhealthy. and I want to leave. but it hurts to think that I would leave what I have right now. As dysfunctional and unhealthy as it is, it seems like maybe God has put me there for a reason. I've had a couple other people tell me there's a reason for me to be there, and I believe it also, before they were telling me that. I don't have a solid reason for anything. I see a road laid out in front of me, and I can see the different ways it could go, some excellent, others while very morally questionable, are the ones that I am drawn to. those are the ones I want to take and just GO with. see what happens. but I'm sure I would end up upset or sad with what I had to do to get there. or about the tremendous amount of baggage that we each would have if I ended up there.

And I have soooo many other people telling me thier problems, that I don't have time for me to hear what I am thinking! which makes me wonder why I don't just take time for myself. It's like I try to bury myself in everything else going on.

I've started thinking about seeing a shrink. yikes. That hurt to write down. I've thought about it for a few years now, and I don't know if it is a good idea. Also something that I have not admitted outloud. It makes me feel weak. I hate needing help. or asking for help. I've gotten better at it. but I still hate it. Not to mention, while work pays for some of it, they stop paying at some point, so it would eventually start costing me money.

these are just some drunk ramblings. so you could disregard this totally if you so choose.

meet virginia.

Meet virginia. by train has been stuck in my head alllllll day long. I had today off of work. Which seems like it would be a good thing, but I really would rather have the money I would get from working than having the day off. Unfortunately being a full time student makes it impossible for me to draw unemployment. Not that I’m complaining, or that I like relying on other people to pay my bills, but it would be nice if I was allowed a COUPLE weeks of such stuff, being as I have to pay for school myself. No government help. My parents will give me a couple hundred, which is appreciated, I promise, but it’s not actually enough to cover even one class, let alone full time. So I don’t always get all my bills paid, because I would like to make it through school in a relatively quick manner, and think it is a better thing to spend money on.

I also needed to work on my taxes today. Which I did! I was proud of myself for doing, but now I have to wait for my parents to file first, because we have a cap on how many state taxes can be filed under the turbo tax thingy that my parents have. Which is awesome… I’ve been waiting to file taxes for a couple months, and now my mom has been working on it since 4:30. It’s 8:10 and she still has yet to finish. Which is funny because when I asked her about it, she said she was done with everything; all she had to do was send it in. This must not be the case, because it’s consumed her since she returned home. I need to work on my patience. I just kind of need the money to pay for school this term. And possibly some of the bills that have accumulated that I have yet to pay.

I also need to lose weight. That was what my original ‘lent’ thing was going to be this year, but I decided that it is actually much more beneficial for me to give up facebook, and that maybe in the process I would become more active and eat less. Or something of the thought process. I just have such a hard time motivating myself to do anything. I feel great when I actually start getting myself into it, and really get the ball rolling, but most of the things that I have done for weight loss in the past have all been things that you pay for, classes where you are pretty much forced to take responsibility for yourself, and since I’m paying money, by God I better be benefitting from something that expensive in SOME way.

'Life Fear'

Fear is such a debilitating creature. It skews one’s version of reality, and leaves one unable to make rational life decisions. Fear also seems to stunt one’s growth, and make life all around less enjoyable.

I used to think that I was able to ignore that growing creature inside of me, squash it down so that it didn’t affect the decisions about life that I NEEDED to make. Should I go to school right after high school? No. Should I really try to find another job? No. Should I do something out of the ordinary, possibly making my life more eventful? No…. all because of that haunting ‘what if’ that lay right around the corner.

What the hell?! I wish I could say that coming to this realization is going to change my life completely, but I have to be honest. It won’t. I’m not entirely safe, and never have been. I have made completely irrational decisions, and they were some of the best decisions that I have EVER made. Stupidly upsetting, sometimes morally questionable decisions, and I made the choice to do them. And I am willing to believe that I am a better person for making those decisions, no matter how they turned out.

I can’t believe that it has taken like nine years or so to figure out what people have been saying to me for YEARS. A teacher, one that has only known me for what, like three months tops, told me what everyone has. And I realized that he is right. Crazy. Why does it take someone who is not involved in your life for you to realize that, everyone is completely right?! Think of how much time could have been saved if I had just listened to everyone the first go around. Years. I could have shaved years off this learning thing… Then again if I had, I may not be the same person I am right now. And I guess I like me enough the way I am. Even though I have a bad case of ‘life fear’.

cupcakes oolala

I feel like I am going crazy. I mean even more than I already am. I couldn't concentrate at work today. So much so that I made a few mistakes and apparently seemed really off my rocker as people were asking what was up. baha. It sounds so funny when I write it down.

Genuinely though, all I wanted to do the entire day was come home and make cupcakes. I found this Guinness and Bailey's cupcakes here http://nookandpantry.blogspot.com/2009/02/guinness-chocolate-cupcake-with-baileys.html . I was preoccupied by cupcakes. Among other things that is. I am stressed over so much stuff that... I just want to bake. and bake. and bake. I'm not sure that it is healthy, but it sure is cheaper than therapy. [lol]

When someone directly asked me what was wrong earlier, I realized... I don't like talking about emotions. Like face to face, or out loud, I just don't really do it. Even with my best friends I just can't really articulate. I'm really insecure when it comes to emotions. Which sounds funny. Most people are insecure about their weight, or the shape of their face, or their nose, or something like that. I'm not saying I'm not insecure about my love handles, because I totally am, I think I am just sooo much more insecure about emotions. So with that being said, I am super stressed about my business class. We've only had like four of the nine classes that we should have had, give me a break! It's really hard to learn material that you don't ever do in class. grrr. Spanish sucks, I am having a super hard time with the past/present tense and the whole indirect direct object. oh and of course the reflexive verbs. yikes.

anyway. what a negative post.

C to the S

I really am not a fan of customer service. I just spent an HOUR instant messaging a 'human' (at least that's what I was told) about an error on a site that I need to run for school. I started out explaining very clearly what the problem was. Gave the direct link to the site, and told said human what I had tried to clear it up. Now, this is honestly the first time I have ever had to instant message my way through customer service, so maybe this is the way it always goes, but 'human' started out by asking me to perform the exact tasks I just told him I did. Humoring said human, I did as I was told, took about a half hour and a restarting of my computer later, go to the site; alas, the problem still exists. Next suggestion from 'human' is to uninstall and reinstall java. Once again out of good humor, I do as the so-called human asks and uninstall/reinstall and restart my computer. Get the chat link and the website up, and low and behold the site still does not work. CRAZY! I think I said that... While this may seem like an inherent thing to be miffed about, I just lost a HOUR of homework time, trying just to get the damn site to work! Now frustrated to the point of boiling, I nicely ask what to do next if these procedures do not work. Response I receive is something to the affect of '.....' from 'human'.

Which all the more infuriates me. After about a good 3 minutes of dead air I get a response of

'I am sending your concerns to our headquarters. They may contact you via Email with a POSSIBLE solution in the morning.' in the morning. IN THE MORNING.

F'ing awesome. I hate technology. And while I have worked customer service, I know that it's mean to say, I really hate customer service...

Whatever Works, ya know.

There are these people that I meet, or some that I have known for quite sometime now. Now, for no rational reason I can think of, there are times when we make eye contact, and for lack of better phrasing, I long to fight them. It's a look in their eyes, maybe a certain kind of fire. It doesn't last too terribly long, it's a fleeting feeling really, but the adrenaline rush that comes from fighting someone is unlike anything else. There are times where I wish I could make it go away. It is very distracting at times.

Sparkley!

I rather like skirts. They are so comfy and girly and pretty, and sometimes sparkley if so chosen to be. I sit here writing this instead of finishing my Spanish homework, or working on the 3 chapters of business and discussion question that I need to finish by tomorrow night. Sometimes school seems like such a daunting task to complete. I've forecasted it to take longer than two years for me to get my associates, just based on I cannot take school full time in the summer. I had taken classes in high school, but alas they do not count because they got "lost" between my high school and the college. I have decided that it will be ok if I have to take one of them over again, but I refuse to take the original over again. Based more on principal than just my general stubborn streak. I know that I am completely capable of skipping the writing completely, I do enjoy it, and I will need the credits in writing, so I may just wait until I have everything else important out of the way.

Aside from being slightly disappointed in the inner cogs and workings of the schools that I have been and currently am a part of, I feel happier than I have in a long time. I think school is good for me. I don't totally hate my job, but if I hadn't started school, I most definitely would have gone looking for a change of different sorts. It appears at some point I decided that I need variety in my life, something that my job semi lacks with its amount of repetition. School keeps things interesting, there is just enough stability having a repetitious job, that the constant change is not something that I'm having a hard time with, like I have in the past. This must be what it feels like to be growing up. It's funny really to think that I'm growing up. There is a part of me that will always kind of think that I'm 18... or 21, because I can finally go to bars with friends.

If I really kept track of the time that I wasted, I think that people would be shocked. There are people in my life that think I am just SO productive, and that it's so great that I can go to school and work full time, and still somehow find time to craft or sew things in my free time. Not that I want to burst their illusion of something, but to me, it feels like I WASTE a lot of time daydreaming. If I could sit down and do my homework all in one run, I would have so much more free time to do things like sew or workout, but instead I procrastinate, in the form of anything close to a distraction. I have a pair of grey gloves started in my purse, right next to a book I started called 'the gum thief' I'm not sure I like it, I don't really want to get pulled into an alternate reality right now, because I'm content with the real world. I have a couple cotton dishcloths started, in different colors, I started a couple "mug rugs" that I have yet to finish and a couple almost finished skirts upstairs, mainly I can't find the elastic I had for them.

There is this guy who stands on the bridge, and I feel bad every time I drive by because he has a sign that say 'work wanted'. It is so cold outside, I just don't understand his thought process really. The bridge is extra cold, because the river is high right now, and it's Stayton. If it were Salem or even a bigger town, maybe something would come of it, but we are such a small town, it just seems out of place.